Be A British Boardroom Boy

Phrases that will help you to ‘earn’ your director’s pay:

  • “this is a great initiative, but in my experience these things must be properly planned”
    – thanks, we’d hoped to just bumble along till you helped

  • “this must be executed in a controlled fashion, where things need to be done in the correct order”
    – that’s strange, we thought one made things by just throwing things in a big pot and stirring

  • “in my experience, it’s important to ensure we have the right people”
    – no, we’d hoped that complete bozoes could pull off this new product launch

  • “I don’t think we should have to consider papers at the last minute”
    – yes, we’ll just slow our customers down to wait for you

  • “I think that the papers we were sent needed to be summarised”
    – sorry, more than one page a day’s reading must be hazardous to your health

  • “I think we’d all feel better with a bit more backing to these figures”
    – oh great, something to keep us all busy for the next month which you’ll probably want summarised

  • “it would be nice to get all these numbers on one sheet of paper”
    – well gosh, it’s nice to know that our business is that simple

  • “couldn’t we look at this another way?”
    – what do you think we’ve been trying to do

  • “this will clearly need proper consideration”
    - sure, why procrastinate tomorrow when you can procrastinate today

  • “well, I have one objection already…”
    – of course you do, we’re 30 seconds into the presentation of a new idea that you don’t even understand yet

  • “what we need is a single, integrated plan …”
    – back to the drawing board

  • “the board is going to have to take responsibility for these budgets now”
    – oh great, when things turn this bad we let the least competent people (the board) grab the budget reins – a bit like asking the passengers to fly the plane now that it’s an emergency
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