Seasons Greetings Past

♪WATERMEN AND LIGHTERMEN AND Z/YEN♪

(♪A seasonal song to the tune of "Winter Wonderland"♪)

VERSES ONE AND TWO

Mackerel torched, beetroot pickled,

Ham terrine, we’ll be tickled;

We’ll eat Christmas lunch, Z/Yen Group as a bunch;

Watch us put on weight at Watermen’s.

At the start, we’ll be perky,

By the end, stuffed like turkey;

Five courses of nosh, all terribly posh;

Watch us put on weight at Watermen’s.

MIDDLE EIGHT

After eating turkey laced with trimmings,

We’ll tuck in to star anise poached pear;

Christmas pud as well, you must be kidding,

The brandy sauce could be a warning flare.

VERSE THREE

Head for home, very slothfully,

On the trail back to Lothbury;

Let’s hope that we scoff…ing walk our waists off;

Walking all the way from Watermen’s.

(RISING/ROUSING FINALE): Let’s hope walking makes us Lightermen!

MARY’S BOLD JOB

(♪A Calypso sung to the tune of "Mary’s Boy Child"♪)

VERSE ONE

Long time ago in London Town, in a place named St Helen,

Mary joined a little firm; that firm was known as Z/Yen.

Hark now hear the Z/Yen folk sing, the notes, some right, some wrong;

But Z/Yen will try forever more, to sing a Christmas song.

VERSE TWO

Now Mary worked long and worked hard, she was no trouble in any way,

Except when Linda had to calc-ulate her statutory maternity pay;

Hark now hear the Z/Yen folk sing, the notes, some right, some wrong,

But Z/Yen will try forever more, to sing a Christmas song.

VERSE THREE

Then Z/Yen removed to Basinghall, the Ward of Cheap was full of pleasures,

But Mary found she had to learn, about some mutually distributed ledgers;

Hark now hear the Z/Yen folk sing, the notes, some right, some wrong,

But Z/Yen will try forever more, to sing a Christmas song.

VERSE FOUR

When Mary handed in her cards, the festive season was in full swing,

So every venue Mary chose, said “there’s no room at the inn”.

(Shout out: Except for this place!!)

Hark now hear the Z/Yen folk sing, the notes, some right, some wrong,

But Z/Yen will try forever more, to sing a Christmas song.

OUTRO

Hark now hear the Z/Yen folk sing, the noise can be quite scary,

But Z/Yen will sing forever more, the praises of our dear Mary.

OH LITTLE STREET OF BASINGHALL

(Sung to the tune of "Oh Little Town of Bethlehem")

Oh little street of Basinghall,
On Guildhall’s shady side;
Above old Gresham College Hall,
Z/Yen’s offices reside.

Yet on the fourth floor slaving,
Z/Yen staff work till they sink;
While past the fifth floor sliding door,
Directors eat and drink.

How noisily, how noisily,
They party with the swish;
To show off Z/Yen’s new office and,
Promote “The Price of Fish”.

But now Z/Yen’s Christmas party,
Is here so we can sell;
This gastro dome, that wondrous time,
To the tune of Jingle Bells.

DRESSED UP IN GOLD
(Sung to the tune of "Silver and Gold")

VERSE ONE

SILVER AND GOLD - ORIGINAL VERSION (By Johnny Marks)

Silver and gold, silver and gold,
Ev'ryone wishes for silver and gold
How do we measure its worth?
Just by the pleasure it gives here on earth
Silver and gold, silver and gold
Mean so much more when we see
Silver and gold decorations
On ev'ry Christmas tree

VERSE TWO

BITCOINS AND LAND - LONG FINANCE VERSION

Bitcoins and land, bitcoins and land
Long Finance topics are bitcoins and lands
How do you measure their worth?
Just by the value they gain and disburse
Hedge funds and bonds, hedge funds and bonds
Seem such a bore when you show
Bitcoins and land valuations
In each portfolio

VERSE THREE

DRESSED UP IN GOLD - Z/YEN VERSION
Dressed up in gold, dressed up in gold
Z/Yen folk this Christmas are dressed up in gold
How do you measure dress sense?
Not by this sartorial elegance
Shrouding in gold, shrouding in gold
Might cause some people offence
(If) Z/Yen folk where such decorations
At normal Z/Yen events

PRICE OF FISH

(Sung to the tune of "Jingle Bells")

Price of Fish, Price of Fish, Price of Fish hooray;
Oh! What fun it is to read some pages every day;
Price of Fish, Price of Fish, Price of Fish hooray;
Oh! what fun it is to read The Price of Fish each day.

Reading Price of Fish, at a page or ten each day,
Book or Kindle form, laughing all the way;
Bells in brains will ring, making ideas bright,
What fun it is to laugh and sing The Price of Fish tonight.

Price of Fish, Price of Fish, Price of Fish hooray;
Oh! What fun it is to read some pages every day;
Price of Fish, Price of Fish, Price of Fish hooray;
Oh! what fun it is to read The Price of Fish each day.

EXTZY

(Sung to the tune of "Ding Dong Merrily On High")

Buy/sell merrily at Z/Yen,
In market games we’re trading;
Buy/sell heavily, you ken,
Z/Yen coffers we are raiding.

ExtZy,
For prizes or donations;
ExtZy,
For prizes or donations.

This lark isn’t just a game,
We’re Z/Yen Communitizing;
Building membership’s our aim,
And benchmark analyzing.

ExtZy,
For prizes or donations;
ExtZy,
For prizes or donations.

Play you doughtily, we’ve made,
Z/Yen peoples’ role as ringers;
Let’s just hope that when we trade,
We’re better play’rs than singers.

ExtZy,
For prizes or donations;
ExtZy,
For prizes or donations.

Z/YEN AT CHRISTMAS

(Sung to the tune of "Merry Christmas Everybody")

Are you hanging Z/Yen e-diaries on your wall?
Are you off with Jez for one great long pub crawl?
Are you going somewhere fancy?
Like Dubai or Grand Cayman?
Or a tube around the Circle Line Zone One?

So here it is,
Z/Yen at Christmas,
Everyone’s in party mood,
Except for Ian’s vibe,
He’s more like Mr Scrooge.

Are you waiting for the telephone to ring?
Are you sure you’ve got the voice enough to sing?
Is it Linda always tells you
You’ve received more client files,
That’ll take so long to process you’ll get piles...

So here it is,
Z/Yen at Christmas,
Everybody’s having fun,
Look to the future now
We sing in Unison.

Are you hanging Z/Yen e-diaries on your wall?
Has Monique picked up another cold sales call?
Does he claim he’s Michael’s brother?
Or he’s Ian’s long lost friend?
Does his patter drive you half way round the bend?

So here it is,
Z/Yen at Christmas,
Everybody’s up the creek,
Look to the future now
We’ll still be here next week!!

[Someone has to shriek like Noddy Holder…………..”Z/Yen’s Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”]

So here it is,
Z/Yen at Christmas,
Everybody’s up the creek,
Look to the future now
We’ll still be here next week!!

SANTA’S USING PROPHEZY AT Z/YEN
(Sung to the tune of "Santa Claus is Coming To Town")

He’s made an edict!
He needs to know why!
He’s out to predict,
He will classify;

Santa Claus Is Coming To Z/Yen,
PropheZy has done it again,
Santa’s using PropheZy at Z/Yen!

Santa's making a list,
He’s checking it twice,
His model works out
Who's naughty and nice.

Santa Claus Is Coming To Z/Yen,
PropheZy has done it again,
Santa’s using PropheZy at Z/Yen!

He predicts when you’re not sleeping,
He predicts when you're serene,
He computes if you've been bad or good,
In Support Vector Machine!

A Santa index,
A Santa Claus game,
A Santa benchmark,
The answer’s the same;

IndeZy is coming to Z/Yen,
ExtZy is coming to Z/Yen,
PropheZy is coming to Z/Yen.

The boys and girls in Z/Yen-land,
Want to know the reason why,
Each name has got to start or end,
With a Z and then a Y.

They’re eaZy to use,
They’re peaZy to play,
No sleaZy abuse,
When done the Z/Yen way;

IndeZy is coming to Z/Yen,
ExtZy is coming to Z/Yen,

JEREMY THE RED-TOED BANKER

(Sung to the tune of “Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer”)

You know Linda and Helen

And Laura and Lorna,
Ian and Mary
And Yeandle and Horne®
But do you recall
Z/Yen’s most famous consult’nt of all?

Jer’my the red-toed banker
Had a very shiny car
Josie was green and jealous
’though it looked like Toy-o-ta
With Italian precision
Maserati fell apart
Just fifty pounds on Ebay
Now he drives a housewife’s car

Jer’my the red-toed banker
(banker)
Had some very shiny socks
(like a light bulb)
Giles and Mark adored them
(loved ’em)
Fran would even say “they’re hot”
(like a flame!)
All the other consultants
(insultants)
Used to laugh and call him names
(******)
They never let poor Jer’my
(Jer’my)
In their methodology games
(like Monopoly)

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Clients came to say
(ho, ho, ho)
Jer’my with your socks so bright
Won’t you print reports tonight?
Then all the consultants left him
(left ’im)
Though they charged all of their fees
(yippee)
Jer’my the red-toed banker
(banker)
Left alone beside the tree
(up the Suwanee)

Does Z/Yen Know It's Christmas?
(Sung to the tune of "Do they Know It’s Christmas")


VERSES
MICHAEL: It’s Christmastime, there’s no chance of getting paid,
MICHAEL: At Christmastime, we’re off the clock and we cannot trade;
MICHAEL: But in our world of plenty, we can spread a smile of joy;
MICHAEL: Throw your birthday breakfast feast at Christmastime.

JEREMY: (spoken) But say a prayer,

MICHAEL: Pray for the finance one,
MICHAEL: At Christmastime, it’s hard, but when you’re having fun;
MICHAEL: There’s a world that’s west of EC3, and it’s a world of dread not glee,
MICHAEL: Where the only cash that’s flowing goes out to the EBT;
MICHAEL: And the Christmas bell that rings there is the alarm at five-o-two,
MICHAEL: So tonight thank God it’s Ian instead of you.

MICHAEL: And it’s risk/reward in Bishopsgate this Christmastime,
MICHAEL: The three wise men with PropheZy divine;
MICHAEL: (Oooh) where a seasonal remark,
MICHAEL: Is wide of the benchmark;
MICHAEL: Does Z/Yen know It’s Christmastime at all?

MIDDLE EIGHT
MALES: Here’s to you, raise a glass for everyone;
FEMALES: Here’s to Scrooge, working while we’re having fun;
ALL: Does Z/Yen know It’s Christmastime at all?

INSTRUMENTAL (SUBSTITUTE = VOICES GOING DING-DONG)
MALES: Ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding;
FEMALES: Ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding.

CHORUS

ALL: Fees for Z/Yen,
Pay Z/Yen more at Christmastime;
Fees for Z/Yen,
Risk/reward at Christmastime.

Repeat chorus until bored

THE TWELVE DAYS OF Z/YEN TRAINING

and/or

THE Z/EALOUS METHODOLOGY TRAINING COURSE

(Sung to the tune of "The Twelve Days of Christmas")

On my first day of training, my Z/Yen boss gave to me;

A Z/Yen Z/Ealous Risk/Reward tree.

On my second day of training, my Z/Yen boss gave to me;

Two by two grid/groups,

And a Z/Yen Z/Ealous Risk/Reward tree.

On my third day of training, my Z/Yen boss gave to me;

Three critical sets,

Two by two grid/groups,

And a Z/Yen Z/Ealous Risk/Reward tree.

On my fourth day of training, my Z/Yen boss gave to me;

Four risk rationalities,

Three critical sets,

Two by two grid/groups,

And a Z/Yen Z/Ealous Risk/Reward tree.

On my fifth day of training, my Z/Yen boss gave to me;

Five forces.

Four risk rationalities,

Three critical sets,

Two by two grid/groups,

And a Z/Yen Z/Ealous Risk/Reward tree.

On my sixth day of training, my Z/Yen boss gave to me;

Six thinking hats,

Five forces.

Four risk rationalities,

Three critical sets,

Two by two grid/groups,

And a Z/Yen Z/Ealous Risk/Reward tree.

On my seventh day of training, my Z/Yen boss gave to me;

Seven S’s model,

Six thinking hats,

Five forces.

Four risk rationalities,

Three critical sets,

Two by two grid/groups,

And a Z/Yen Z/Ealous Risk/Reward tree.

On my eighth day of training, my Z/Yen boss gave to me;

Eight steps to success,

Seven S’s model,

Six thinking hats,

Five forces.

Four risk rationalities,

Three critical sets,

Two by two grid/groups,

And a Z/Yen Z/Ealous Risk/Reward tree.

On my ninth day of training, my Z/Yen boss gave to me;

Nine PEST-expanded forces,

Eight steps to success,

Seven S’s model,

Six thinking hats,

Five forces.

Four risk rationalities,

Three critical sets,

Two by two grid/groups,

And a Z/Yen Z/Ealous Risk/Reward tree.

On my tenth day of training, my Z/Yen boss gave to me;

Ten Vision Into Action themes,

Nine PEST-expanded forces,

Eight steps to success,

Seven S’s model,

Six thinking hats,

Five forces.

Four risk rationalities,

Three critical sets,

Two by two grid/groups,

And a Z/Yen Z/Ealous Risk/Reward tree.

On my eleventh day of training, my Z/Yen boss gave to me;

Eleven: viable systems plus SWOT,

Ten Vision Into Action themes,

Nine PEST-expanded forces,

Eight steps to success,

Seven S’s model,

Six thinking hats,

Five forces.

Four risk rationalities,

Three critical sets,

Two by two grid/groups,

And a Z/Yen Z/Ealous Risk/Reward tree.

FINALE

On my twelfth day of training, my Z/Yen boss gave to me;

Twelve Clean Business Cuisine chapters,

Eleven: viable systems plus SWOT,

Ten Vision Into Action themes,

Nine PEST-expanded forces,

Eight steps to success,

Seven S’s model,

Six thinking hats,

Five forces.

Four risk rationalities,

Three critical sets,

Two by two grid/groups,

And

A

Z/Yen

Z/Ealous

Risk/Reward

Tree.

OH LITTLE COURT OF ST HELEN’S

(Sung to the tune of "Oh Little Town of Bethlehem")

Oh little court of St Helen’s

How swish we see thee lie!

Beneath thy deep and wealthy sleep

Z/Yen’s offices abide

And in these dark deep shadows

The everlasting blight

Consultancy adds to your years

When packed as tight as mice

How crowded-ly, how crowded-ly

Z/Yen dishes out advice

Beside the frozen servers

And other bust device

Paper’s overflowing

But Linda’s looking nice

And if we get our Seventh Heav’n

We’ll soon trash Number Five

TOIL AND PLAY

(Sung to the tune of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen")

God rest ye Z/Yen par-tic-i-pants,

There’s no point in dismay

Remember Christmas parties

All end in disarray

Don’t save yourself from whiskey’s pow’r

You might as well a’stray

O tidings of bromo and fizz

Bromo and fizz

O tidings of bromo and fizz

From year to year we reappear

And wonder all the same

How business so chaotic

With such an awful name

Can still inspire Nippon songs

And ever-woeful games

O tidings of toil and play

Toil and play

O tidings of toil and play

But when to Ze-e-Yen they came

Where their dear project lay

And found us all hung-over

But still prepared to pay

We found our invoice quick and fast

And saved ’em from May-Day

O tidings of toil and pay

Toil and pay

O tidings of toil and pay

D-MARKS! Z/YEN ANGELS SING
(Sung to the tune of "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" or "Gloria in Excelsis Deo" in the Mariah Carey style)

"D-Marks!", Z/Yen angels sing

Glory to the Euro thing

Peace in Europe, markets wild

Blair and Schroder reconciled

Joyful all recessions rise
Join the Bank of England's sighs
With Zeee/Yen consultants claim
Markets are in may-eh-hem

"D-Marks!", Z/Yen angels sing
Glory to the Euro thing

Glo….oh….oh…oh…oh....ohria

In consultants' fee-eees
Glo….oh….oh…oh…oh....ohria

In consultants' fee-eee-eees

Z/Yen by highest fees adored

Z/Yen for those who can afford

Late in time, does Ian come

Often late, the favoured one

Z/Yen, so fresh the clients see

Hail, the astronomical fees

Pleased as gods with men to dwell

Z/Yen as blasphemous as hell

"D-Marks!", Z/Yen angels sing
Glory to the Euro thing

Glo….oh….oh…oh…oh....ohria

In consultants' fee-eees
Glo….oh….oh…oh…oh....ohria

In consultants' fee-eee-eees

WHEN WILL I SEE YOU AT Z/YEN?
(Sung to the tune of "When Will I See You Again?")

PROPS REQUIRED/DESIRED: Wigs (sorted), mobile phones, pieces of paper (minutes, memos), left overs on plates

INTRO

Oooooohhh, haaaaaaa,
Haaaaaaa, oooooohhh,
Precious memos

VERSE 1

When will I see you at Z/Yen?
When will we share precious minutes?
Will we have debate for ever?
Will we still be macho (macho) and work the whole night through?

VERSE 2

When will I see you at Z/Yen?
When will our team eat together?
Are we at work or just friends?
Is this supper chicken or is it scrag end? (is this scrag end?)

MIDDLE EIGHT

When will I see you at Z/Yen? When will I see you at Z/Yen? When will I see you at Z/Yen?
Haaaaaaa, oooooohhh,
Precious motors.

VERSE 3

When will I hear you at Z/Yen?
When will we share precious mobiles?
Are we in touch or alone?
CAN YOU ****-**** HEAR ME?? Chhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh PHONE???

When will I chhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh?
(When will you stop asking so many ****-**** questions?)
When will I beeeeeeeeeep?

Z/YEN
(Sung to the tune of "Ben”)

VERSE 1

Z/Yen, the group of us need look no more,
We have founded what we’re looking for;
Tense, and some might say up tight,
We’re working half the night,
Because, my friends, you see,
We’ve got our Main-ell-i
(You’ve got your Mainelli).

From February……… allegedly…..

VERSE 2

Z/Yen, we’re always running here and there,
(Here and there),
That’s why we’ve all lost half of our hair,
(Half of your hair);
Then a project falls behind,
And we’re all hard to find,
But somehow, as you know,
We always make a go.
(The weekend tends to go).

MIDDLE EIGHT

We used to say, “we are bored”,
Now it’s “risk and reward”;
You used to seek dark and rest
Now it’s light, now it’s zest.

VERSE 3

Z/Yen, although we are still very small,
(Very small),
We can puff it up if we talk big,
(if you talk balls);
When, you learn the things we do,
You’ll all want to join too,
So, if we’d start again,
We’d still form a firm like Z/Yen.