Z/Yen's Christmas
songs:
 SANTA’S
USING PROPHEZY AT Z/YEN
(Sung to the tune of "Santa Claus is Coming To Town")
He’s made an edict!
He needs to know why!
He’s out to predict,
He will classify;
Santa Claus Is Coming To Z/Yen,
PropheZy has done it again,
Santa’s using PropheZy at Z/Yen!
Santa's making a list,
He’s checking it twice,
His model works out
Who's naughty and nice.
Santa Claus Is Coming To Z/Yen,
PropheZy has done it again,
Santa’s using PropheZy at Z/Yen!
He predicts when you’re not sleeping,
He predicts when you're serene,
He computes if you've been bad or good,
In Support Vector Machine!
A Santa index,
A Santa Claus game,
A Santa benchmark,
The answer’s the same;
IndeZy is coming to Z/Yen,
ExtZy is coming to Z/Yen,
PropheZy is coming to Z/Yen.
The boys and girls in Z/Yen-land,
Want to know the reason why,
Each name has got to start or end,
With a Z and then a Y.
They’re eaZy to use,
They’re peaZy to play,
No sleaZy abuse,
When done the Z/Yen way;
IndeZy is coming to Z/Yen,
ExtZy is coming to Z/Yen,
[ENDS]
JEREMY THE RED-TOED BANKER
(Sung to the tune of “Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer”)
You know Linda and Helen
And Laura and Lorna,
Ian and Mary
And Yeandle and Horne®
But do you recall
Z/Yen’s most famous consult’nt of all?
Jer’my the red-toed banker
Had a very shiny car
Josie was green and jealous
’though it looked like Toy-o-ta
With Italian precision
Maserati fell apart
Just fifty pounds on Ebay
Now he drives a housewife’s car
Jer’my the red-toed banker
(banker)
Had some very shiny socks
(like a light bulb)
Giles and Mark adored them
(loved ’em)
Fran would even say “they’re hot”
(like a flame!)
All the other consultants
(insultants)
Used to laugh and call him names
(******)
They never let poor Jer’my
(Jer’my)
In their methodology games
(like Monopoly)
Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Clients came to say
(ho, ho, ho)
Jer’my with your socks so bright
Won’t you print reports tonight?
Then all the consultants left him
(left ’im)
Though they charged all of their fees
(yippee)
Jer’my the red-toed banker
(banker)
Left alone beside the tree
(up the Suwanee)
[ENDS]
Does
Z/Yen Know It's Christmas?
(Sung
to the tune of "Do they Know It’s Christmas")
VERSES
MICHAEL: It’s Christmastime, there’s no chance of getting paid,
MICHAEL: At Christmastime, we’re off the clock and we cannot trade;
MICHAEL: But in our world of plenty, we can spread a smile of joy;
MICHAEL: Throw your birthday breakfast feast at Christmastime.
JEREMY: (spoken) But say a prayer,
MICHAEL: Pray for the finance one,
MICHAEL: At Christmastime, it’s hard, but when you’re having fun;
MICHAEL: There’s a world that’s west of EC3, and it’s a world of dread not
glee,
MICHAEL: Where the only cash that’s flowing goes out to the EBT;
MICHAEL: And the Christmas bell that rings there is the alarm at five-o-two,
MICHAEL: So tonight thank God it’s Ian instead of you.
MICHAEL: And it’s risk/reward in Bishopsgate this Christmastime,
MICHAEL: The three wise men with PropheZy divine;
MICHAEL: (Oooh) where a seasonal remark,
MICHAEL: Is wide of the benchmark;
MICHAEL: Does Z/Yen know It’s Christmastime at all?
MIDDLE EIGHT
MALES: Here’s to you, raise a glass for everyone;
FEMALES: Here’s to Scrooge, working while we’re having fun;
ALL: Does Z/Yen know It’s Christmastime at all?
INSTRUMENTAL (SUBSTITUTE = VOICES GOING DING-DONG)
MALES: Ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong,
ding-dong, ding;
FEMALES: Ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong,
ding-dong, ding.
CHORUS
ALL: Fees for Z/Yen,
Pay Z/Yen more at Christmastime;
Fees for Z/Yen,
Risk/reward at Christmastime.
Repeat chorus until bored
[ENDS]
THE
TWELVE DAYS OF Z/YEN TRAINING
and/or
THE
Z/EALOUS METHODOLOGY TRAINING COURSE
(Sung
to the tune of "The Twelve Days of Christmas")
On my first day of
training, my Z/Yen boss gave to me;
A Z/Yen Z/Ealous
Risk/Reward tree.
On my second day
of training, my Z/Yen boss gave to me;
Two by two
grid/groups,
And a Z/Yen Z/Ealous
Risk/Reward tree.
On my third day of
training, my Z/Yen boss gave to me;
Three critical
sets,
Two by two
grid/groups,
And a Z/Yen Z/Ealous
Risk/Reward tree.
On my fourth day
of training, my Z/Yen boss gave to me;
Four risk
rationalities,
Three critical
sets,
Two by two
grid/groups,
And a Z/Yen Z/Ealous
Risk/Reward tree.
On my fifth day of
training, my Z/Yen boss gave to me;
Five forces.
Four risk
rationalities,
Three critical
sets,
Two by two
grid/groups,
And a Z/Yen Z/Ealous
Risk/Reward tree.
On my sixth day of
training, my Z/Yen boss gave to me;
Six thinking hats,
Five forces.
Four risk
rationalities,
Three critical
sets,
Two by two
grid/groups,
And a Z/Yen Z/Ealous
Risk/Reward tree.
On my seventh day
of training, my Z/Yen boss gave to me;
Seven S’s model,
Six thinking hats,
Five forces.
Four risk
rationalities,
Three critical
sets,
Two by two
grid/groups,
And a Z/Yen Z/Ealous
Risk/Reward tree.
On my eighth day
of training, my Z/Yen boss gave to me;
Eight steps to
success,
Seven S’s model,
Six thinking hats,
Five forces.
Four risk
rationalities,
Three critical
sets,
Two by two
grid/groups,
And a Z/Yen Z/Ealous
Risk/Reward tree.
On my ninth day of
training, my Z/Yen boss gave to me;
Nine PEST-expanded
forces,
Eight steps to
success,
Seven S’s model,
Six thinking hats,
Five forces.
Four risk
rationalities,
Three critical
sets,
Two by two
grid/groups,
And a Z/Yen Z/Ealous
Risk/Reward tree.
On my tenth day of
training, my Z/Yen boss gave to me;
Ten Vision Into
Action themes,
Nine PEST-expanded
forces,
Eight steps to
success,
Seven S’s model,
Six thinking hats,
Five forces.
Four risk
rationalities,
Three critical
sets,
Two by two
grid/groups,
And a Z/Yen Z/Ealous
Risk/Reward tree.
On my eleventh day
of training, my Z/Yen boss gave to me;
Eleven: viable
systems plus SWOT,
Ten Vision Into
Action themes,
Nine PEST-expanded
forces,
Eight steps to
success,
Seven S’s model,
Six thinking hats,
Five forces.
Four risk
rationalities,
Three critical
sets,
Two by two
grid/groups,
And a Z/Yen Z/Ealous
Risk/Reward tree.
FINALE
On my twelfth day
of training, my Z/Yen boss gave to me;
Twelve Clean
Business Cuisine chapters,
Eleven: viable
systems plus SWOT,
Ten Vision Into
Action themes,
Nine PEST-expanded
forces,
Eight steps to
success,
Seven S’s model,
Six thinking hats,
Five forces.
Four risk
rationalities,
Three critical
sets,
Two by two
grid/groups,
And
A
Z/Yen
Z/Ealous
Risk/Reward
Tree.
[ENDS]
OH
LITTLE COURT OF ST HELEN’S
(Sung
to the tune of "Oh Little Town of Bethlehem")
Oh
little court of St Helen’s
How
swish we see thee lie!
Beneath
thy deep and wealthy sleep
Z/Yen’s
offices abide
And
in these dark deep shadows
The
everlasting blight
Consultancy
adds to your years
When
packed as tight as mice
How
crowded-ly, how crowded-ly
Z/Yen
dishes out advice
Beside
the frozen servers
And
other bust device
Paper’s
overflowing
But
Linda’s looking nice
And
if we get our Seventh Heav’n
We’ll
soon trash Number Five
[ENDS]
TOIL
AND PLAY
(Sung
to the tune of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen")
God
rest ye Z/Yen par-tic-i-pants,
There’s
no point in dismay
Remember
Christmas parties
All
end in disarray
Don’t
save yourself from whiskey’s pow’r
You
might as well a’stray
O
tidings of bromo and fizz
Bromo
and fizz
O
tidings of bromo and fizz
From
year to year we reappear
And
wonder all the same
How
business so chaotic
With
such an awful name
Can
still inspire Nippon songs
And
ever-woeful games
O
tidings of toil and play
Toil
and play
O
tidings of toil and play
But
when to Ze-e-Yen they came
Where
their dear project lay
And
found us all hung-over
But
still prepared to pay
We
found our invoice quick and fast
And
saved ’em from May-Day
O
tidings of toil and pay
Toil
and pay
O
tidings of toil and pay
[ENDS]
D-MARKS!
Z/YEN ANGELS SING
(Sung to the tune of "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" or "Gloria in Excelsis Deo" in the Mariah Carey style)
"D-Marks!",
Z/Yen angels sing
Glory
to the Euro thing
Peace
in Europe, markets wild
Blair
and Schroder reconciled
Joyful
all recessions rise
Join the Bank of England's sighs
With Zeee/Yen consultants claim
Markets are in may-eh-hem
"D-Marks!",
Z/Yen angels sing
Glory to the Euro thing
Glo….oh….oh…oh…oh....ohria
In
consultants' fee-eees
Glo….oh….oh…oh…oh....ohria
In
consultants' fee-eee-eees
Z/Yen
by highest fees adored
Z/Yen
for those who can afford
Late
in time, does Ian come
Often
late, the favoured one
Z/Yen,
so fresh the clients see
Hail,
the astronomical fees
Pleased
as gods with men to dwell
Z/Yen
as blasphemous as hell
"D-Marks!",
Z/Yen angels sing
Glory to the Euro thing
Glo….oh….oh…oh…oh....ohria
In
consultants' fee-eees
Glo….oh….oh…oh…oh....ohria
In
consultants' fee-eee-eees
[ENDS]
WHEN WILL I
SEE YOU AT Z/YEN?
(Sung to the
tune of "When Will I See You Again?")
PROPS REQUIRED/DESIRED: Wigs (sorted), mobile phones, pieces of paper (minutes,
memos), left overs on plates
INTRO
Oooooohhh, haaaaaaa,
Haaaaaaa, oooooohhh,
Precious memos
VERSE
1
When
will I see you at Z/Yen?
When will we share precious minutes?
Will we have debate for ever?
Will we still be macho (macho) and work the whole night through?
VERSE 2
When
will I see you at Z/Yen?
When will our team eat together?
Are we at work or just friends?
Is this supper chicken or is it scrag end? (is this scrag end?)
MIDDLE EIGHT
When
will I see you at Z/Yen? When will I see you at Z/Yen? When will I see you at
Z/Yen?
Haaaaaaa, oooooohhh,
Precious motors.
VERSE 3
When
will I hear you at Z/Yen?
When will we share precious mobiles?
Are we in touch or alone?
CAN YOU ****-**** HEAR ME?? Chhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh PHONE???
When will I chhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh?
(When will you stop asking so many ****-**** questions?)
When will I beeeeeeeeeep?
[ENDS]
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